Letters to Kerrang!

Are you a teenager whose problems are so bad that only Jared Leto can understand them?

Perhaps you're a 40 year old man who feels compelled to write to a childrens' magazine about how much you love Saxon?

Or has your pet rabbit just died and you need to share this with the wider metal community?

Then 'Letters to Kerrang!' is for you!

All the letters are 100% genuine and taken from the long-running Kerrang! magazine for moshers, metallers, bedwetters and morons everywhere.

Enjoy!

I will try to update this page when i can be bothered. If anyone has some back issues of Kerrang or can send photos of the letters pages, please get in touch. Cheers!

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What are you doing corresponding with a childrens’ magazine? You must be at least 35. Look at that list of bands! Not even a hint of irony there. It’s like the last 30 years of music bypassed you completely. Are you from the Falklands? I’m gonna put you in touch with the bass guy below, you’ll get on like a house on fire. Shouldn’t you have grown out of this sort of thing by the time you’re a teenager?

# duffer

# letters to kerrang

# rise to remain

Joseph Strikes Back

You again! Just because you have a fancy new hair-do don’t think you can get away with it. I’ve seen you. What happened to your love for All Time Low, you fickle creature? Incidentally, you shouldn’t be shouting anything out of the car window, your mum should have you strapped safely in your booster seat.

Hey Hey We’re the Monkees

In the olden days, i remember festivals being muddy, ugly affairs where you wandered around trying to steal firewood to stop yourself from freezing to death, and every 5 minutes a Scouser would stick his head in your tent and ask if you wanted any Es. Definitely no chance of seeing a monkey do anything. Kids today etc.

Paramoreish

Hmmm. Anyone fancy eating Hayley Williams?

# Paramore

# biscuit

# kerrang

All That Glisters

When I first read this, I thought he’d spent $5000 on a gold penis, which i reasoned was money well spent. Now i realise he’s just as dull as his absurdly monikered band

Black Bale Bride

Just ask her for a shag, you spineless wimp.

Hang on a minute… You’re favourite idol is Andy Biersack?! Jesus wept - count yourself lucky to have a girlfriend at all.

Drawing starting to remind me of Gareth Bale in drag.

Amazing Bass

Anyone got this guy’s phone number? I quite fancy a pint and a prolonged chat about the plodding bass ‘work’ of grunge-metal’s least interesting outfit. Must be a hit with the ladies.